Humor by DAR

All About Earth:
Tips for the Unborn

(First published in GQ)

Remember how when Superbaby was travelling from Krypton to Earth in his rocketship, he was hearing an informational tape lovingly prepared by his doomed parents that played over and over in his sleep so by the time he landed he knew all about Earth? It seems to me that Jor-el and Whats-her-face were onto something pretty cool when they made that tape. So cool, in fact, that I have adopted the same practice to teach my baby, as he slumbers in his rocketship to earth. Only his rocketship is a uterus, and it's not a tape but Da-da live from outside the womb, face down at Belly Central.

"Good morning, baby," I say.

John Deere makes the best sit-down mowers.

Always punch "0" at once to cut through the voice mail.

You can't always see black ice, but that's the most dangerous kind of road condition.

If I'm tired, or I sense that he's had a hard night, I

stick with simple ones:

Never carry an open beer in a paper bag.

Order the kosher meal on transatlantic flights.

Low-fat pizza? Don't waste your time.

Some mornings, it's a single subject:

When submitting to a breathalyzer test, you run the risk of getting your license suspended. On the other hand, if you refuse you get it yanked anyway, so it's a judgement call.

Other mornings, it's more random:

Never bet on Miami.

"Priority mail" is a rip off.

If you're not sure if their high beams are on or not, go ahead and flash 'em anyway.

It gets esoteric at times:

If you meet Bill Buckner at a bar, don't rib him about that grounder.

But other times it's just plain common sense:

When visiting a guru, leave your checkbook at

home.

I try not to overlook a few that may seem obvious to us old-timers out here in the big world, but that he needs to hear if he's going to know the score:

Standing ovations don't mean what they used to.

Use two capfuls for extra soiled loads.

The worst thing that ever happened was the break-up of Ma Bell.

If we're feeling especially ambitious, we move on to

money-saving tips:

Get the best ceiling paint money can buy. You don't want to do that job again soon.

There is no reason in the world not to use a discount broker.

Then advice only a Dad can give:

If you must eat tofu hotdogs, try smothering them in baked beans to mask the taste.

I like to give him something to chew on while he's hurtling along at 600 brain miles per second:

Art can take liberties with the literal truth to get at the larger truth. "Casablanca" was a fine movie, but in point of fact the Nazis didn't even step foot in Casablanca the entire war!

The worst thing that ever happened was the break-up of Ma Bell.

Then we move into material that may open me to the charge of indoctrination, but hey, it's my forum:

No matter what your big brothers may tell you, your father does not eat like a pig.

I try to supply him with some all-purpose declarative statements that will help him win him any argument at a party.

"Are you kidding? Henry Miller didn't even get to Paris till he was 39!"

"Don't give me that! The first ten pages of a movie script are the only ones that count!"

Speaking of parties, I offer him the least offensive line to get himself out of talking to boring people.

"That is one hilarious story, old boy, but I fear we're becoming a bottleneck."

And because it bears repeating, I wrap up every session with what I like to call "The I Smell Gas Rule:"

When calling the gas company, they will either dispatch an emergency crew in thirty seconds or they will wait seven hours, depending on whether you say the three magic words: "I smell gas." Say this to everyone, in all sorts of situations.